I feel…worried. That I am not doing enough.

I’ve been successfully building an ideal life. Yet, I still feel like I am not doing it right.

I worry that I don’t know what I truly want. I have ideas of what I want. And I feel like I am living the way I want to live. I know that I am.

This may be residual anxiety from living to please others. Of always feeling behind and never complete with a task. I believe that is how corporate America trains us to keep working and never questioning. Because if you live to serve a major corporation, and your livelihood depends on their satisfaction, it is a natural occurrence to then associate rest or uncertainty with not being safe. It has been written into us.

I feel like I am in a transition period. I can see how my old thoughts and beliefs are trying to interrupt my current peace. I’ve got a war in my mind, literally.

I’ve dreamt about it. I have a knowing about it. I can feel myself bouncing between two versions of myself. The old version needs reassurance from people in positions of “power”, or perceived power. The new version, thrives off her own power, and takes control of situations regardless of who is considered the boss.

The worrying almost feels like a default setting in my nervous system at this point. I feel worried because I’m not focused on feeling something better. I can’t see how things will play out. Uncertainty is scary.

But then I recognize that I stepped into worry. I take a deep breath, and remind myself of who I really am. I remind myself I am allowing myself to remember my truth, and explore freely, for the first time in my life. That is bound to feel….uncomfortable at times.

My ideal life allows me to explore whatever I feel inspired to explore. Without committing to an entirely new identity. Just a taste, and then I get what I needed and I can close the loop and move on. Or keep going. Whatever I want to do is right.

Ultimately, I think I prefer to be home. I like to think, and reflect, and express creatively from the peace and privacy of my home. And while I am doing that, I need to let myself feel certain that the way I am spending my days IS enough. It is more than enough. I am enough just as I am. I could do nothing ever again and be enough. I won’t, but I could.

So I reset. “Worry is but undernourished enthusiasm” - Moira Rose

What can I get excited about instead of worrying about nothing?

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I’m sitting here on a Friday morning, surrounded by my pets, working from my laptop on my own schedule, and I’ve realized…I did it.

I manifested my ideal life. So far.

Deciding to creating an ideal life for myself started intentionally almost a year ago. I was struggling at a job that wanted me to outperform others while being paid the same wage as men who have comparatively no experience in the industry. I had to scrape to get what I had, and they just get it handed to them. That’s energetics for you.

What I realized in those final days of working for a firm that didn’t appreciate me, is that I was at the mercy of others desires. I was letting other people determine my value, and I was actively seeking reassurance that what I was doing was enough.

But it never was, of course, it never would be. That was the entire point. I had to get to a place where I would decide differently for myself. And I needed to heal. And process. And feel. And rediscover myself. So I quit.

I had 12 weeks of no work. Supported by funds through my state, and a certification from my therapist that I was unable to perform my duties and needed to go on medical leave. At the time it had felt like a really difficult decision. Now I realize I was struggling because I associated my entire self worth with my career.

I’ve always been extremely loyal. Once I am comfortable with people, I don’t like to leave them, and that usually only happens when I decide I’m not going to tolerate whatever treatment I’ve been exposed to thus far. I’ve done a lot of internal work on this since leaving that job.

After the 12 weeks was up, I decided to try my hand at contract work again. At the same time, I decided to start learning about manifestation so I could figure out how to build the life of my dreams. Fueled by internet influencers, and my own internal spiritual experiences and desires, I went for it.

My first contract role found me through a group that reached out to me on LinkedIn. I wasn’t really interested in what the group had to offer other than connections. I remember talking to the girl who managed the memberships, and she had recited about 5 synchronicities in one or two sentences during our final conversation. I knew that was my signal from spirit to join the group. I put the annual fee on my credit card, and let life flow.

Within a few days I had met my first client, and we began talking about how I could support him in his practice. He agreed to pay the hourly rate I decided to charge, and about a month later we started working together.

Looking back over this last almost 12 months, I’ve lived the experience of always having “enough” when I needed it. Money comes into my life when I really need it, and I spend money freely although my budget would indicate that I shouldn’t have enough.

That is not to say it has been necessarily easy or comfortable. I’ve had countless conversations with my wife, assuring her that everything will work out, while we watched credit card balances rise and savings deplete.

I realize now that I had to live through the experience of seeing things come in at the last second. So I could build my own faith, and continue to deepen my understanding of reality and how I work within it. I realized I had a heavy pattern of jumping ship when things got difficult. In friendships, work, school, and so on. It was easier to stop feeling like I gave a shit about anything, than to deal with whatever challenge was laid before me.

Forcing myself to stay the course when things got really heavy, allowed me experience first hand the magic that is life. Layer by layer, it is getting easier to allow things to unfold in their own time without dissociating when things start to seem iffy.

I’m planning my life completely differently now. I’ve decided that life is ultimately a play, a game, designed for us to remember who we are and what we are capable of creating when in a limited reality.

Limited by fear, grief, pain, loss, anxiety.

I’ve experienced the power of releasing old wounds and seeing something come into my reality thereafter. I’m convinced magic is real, and magic is simply a form of psychics we have yet to decipher, although we [humans] have uncovered quite a bit already.

I believe our ultimate goal is to live our highest truth. And when things don’t work out for us, it is usually a redirection or an opportunity to step back and evaluate what we really truly want. I believe we truly can create whatever we want, it just requires us to learn the process and have patience and trust.

I feel like I have barely scratched the surface of what is possible. I’m diving in, full steam ahead, to live a life that is incredible and also rediscover my real self, so I can live as the version of myself that I set out to learn, and experience. I’m so excited.

Almost a year after I left that job, the job I thought would save me from financial ruin and give me a beautiful life, I realize I can create literally any life that I want and I will be supported.

Everything I am planning is happening for me. I’ve manifested wooden gazebo and full patio set up in my backyard. I created another opportunity for myself within my industry that allows me to continue to learn about how I can support businesses.

I’m trying things, and letting go of things I’ve tried. I’m moving through the emotions buried deep in my mind, that were never dealt with, and needed to be released. I’m allowing myself to do whatever I want to do. I rest when I want to rest. I create when I want to create. I am following inspired action day to day.

And you know what? I’m happy. I feel free. I like the work I am doing, and I know I can bring in other kinds of work as soon as I decide I am ready. I’m moving at my own pace. I’m detaching from outcomes and money. I’m noticing patterns, and I am reprogramming my mind to assume the best.

And it doesn’t look like what I thought it would look like, and that’s okay. I just keep focusing on understanding who I am so I can live authentically. And I know things are going to work out for me. Thanks Universe, I love you <3

Kirsten Biddle

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